Prayer Ministry at the Altar

Open Door Christian Fellowship

April 28, 2010

God does nothing...    but in answer to prayer...         John Wesley

You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.

James 4:2b-3

'Ask of Me, and I will surely give the nations as Your inheritance, And the very ends of the earth as Your possession.

Psalm 2:8

The Altar is not a place of shame - It is a place of meeting God

Pray! - Prayer at the Altar is meant to be primarily prayer.
We are at the place of prayer to PRAY!
It is not to be a counseling session.
It is not to be an answer session.
It is not to be a theological debate!
It is not to be a Christian séance.
It is to be a meeting with God through shared prayer.

Asking for what people are seeking in prayer is entirely appropriate. If you do not feel to ask it is okay. Just be sure it does not become anything else but a prayer ministry.

Pray with Humility.

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
2 Chronicles 7:14

Humility in prayer ministry is only to be there to help people find God.

Sitting down, He called the twelve and said to them, "If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."

Mark 9:35

If we engage in any ministry to meet our own needs we will minister death.

If, however, we die to ourselves for Jesus' sake and for others we will minister life.

And He was saying to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.

Luke 9:23

When we present ourselves for the work of ministry we must first have our needs in our lives met by God.

Some signs that we are ministering to meet our own needs are:

1. Jealousy when others seem to have a greater success in the ministry. (Pride of Life)
2. Ministering only to those who are attractive to us. (Lust of the Eyes)
3. Having sensual feelings towards those we are ministering to. (Lust of the Flesh) 

When we pray with others, we must constantly remember that we are there to direct people to Jesus, not ourselves. And I, if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all peoples to Myself."

John 12:32

Pray with confidence.

Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.
Hebrews 10:35


Pray scripturally.

This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. ¹⁵And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.

1 John 5:14-15

Pray until you know God has touched them.

Often there will be a release in the person. You will get to see the sign. If it takes a long time do not give up. Don't start looking around. Stay focused until released by the Lord to stop praying.

Pray positively. Say things like we are going to believe God with you that He will answer this prayer. Do not say negative things like, "You are hindering the Lord" or "You need to have more faith".  Don't blame them for any apparent blockage.

Pray sensitively. If the person is weeping don't pray triumphal prayers. Pray quietly in a comforting voice. Do not look at them but pray with eyes closed. If they are rejoicing pray in a rejoicing way.

Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Romans 12:15

Pray with emotion. Enter into their grief or joy. Intercession often leads to us feeling the heart of God about a situation. If they are weeping and you begin to weep don't try to stop it. Let God express His heart for them through you.

Pray sensitively in rebuking a demonic force. The volume of your voice or the commanding tone of you voice does not increase your authority. Prayer and fasting will. Remember that the person is listening to you pray even when you are speaking to the demon. If the person is a child or an adult who may not have any exposure to spiritual warfare pray silently.

In order to avoid confusion or condemnation if you are feeling to pray out loud against a demon tell the person. Say you feel there may be a demonic force coming against them that you would like to pray against. Ask them if they would be comfortable to allow you to pray against it.

If they say yes then tell them you will be speaking to the demon and not to be afraid.

In situations where a demonic force manifests itself do not hold the person down. If they attempt to harm you move quickly away and let them be alone. Contact the team leader.

If anyone threatens violence or acts in a way that indicates they could be violent let the team leader know and anyone who may be in harm's way to move away from the person. Do not attempt to deal with the issue yourself.

Pray confidentially. First of all anything that is prayed about with the person should generally remain in confidence.
The confession of sin involving abuse of any kind of a minor child requires by law that it be reported by the person to whom it was told to the police and the CAS. In these cases you are not to share it with the team leader for them to contact the authorities but directly contact the CAS and Police yourself.

If you are dealing with sensitive information pray very quietly so that others cannot hear. It is not good to shout out "Praise God you will forgive our brother's committing adultery last week....."

Pray considerately. Do not pray in a shouting voice when other people are praying nearby. We want the altar to be a place of peace. There may be times when you are praying rejoicing prayers that you will be louder but just survey the surroundings and be considerate. If someone is being prayed for an obviously traumatic experience and you are near you may want to move farther away in order not to distract them or the ones praying for them.

Do not pray for people if you have sin issues active in your heart at the time of prayer. If you are not in one accord with your spouse (on your part – not theirs), are in unresolved conflict with others that you know you are not walking in grace in or if you are captive to any of the three roots of sin (Lust of the flesh, Lust of the eyes, Pride of life) then have the team pray for you.

Pray during the week. When you have prayed for people try to keep them in your prayers for the week following. When you see them again let them know that you have been continuing to pray with them. Perhaps they will want to pray with you again.

Pray believing. When a person is asking for healing pray that God will heal. Don't tell them they are healed. Don't leave any impression with them that they do not have enough faith.

While we want to always leave the results of our prayer in the Father's hands we are told to pray believing that we have received. This means we pray believing that God will give His answer. It does not mean that whatever we pray for we will get. In that light, however, unless you have a specific guidance to not pray for the needs that a person shares then pray prayers of faith.

Even if you do not have a direction, pray for the meeting of needs they ask for, unless there is something wrong with the desires that someone shares (I am praying the ______ will fall in love with me..... I'm praying that I will get the right numbers from God to win the lottery, I am praying that my spouse will die soon (when she wasn't even sick) so I can marry the person who God says I am to marry after my spouse dies..... (I have actually had people seek these actual prayers)  

If they are asking for prayer about these kinds of things just do not pray for them. If they ask why you are not praying for their requests ask them to sit down with you after the prayer time to discuss the issue. Ask God to give wisdom how to share with them in they way he would have you. If they don't ask for clarification just pray generally for them. Don't pray rebuking prayers concerning their wrong thinking. Then pray during the week for them.

This brings up the point of possible confrontations at the altar. Avoid them at all costs. If you find yourself getting in a wrong emotional state with someone you are praying with excuse yourself. Do not get into arguments of any kind with people you are praying for or you are praying with.

Share words, impressions and visions with humility. Learn to submit your words, impressions or visions. We are not to ever present our revelations as the final word from God. When you have something you think is from Him communicate using words like, "I have a thought, picture, impression....." "May I share it with you?" Ask for their permission. If they say no respect it. Never say God spoke to me. You may say, "I feel that God may be saying to you....." Leave the confirmation with them.

Don't use, "Thus saith the Lord" language ever! You may ask after you share if they have a confirmation or understanding in their hearts as to what you said but only if you can handle a rejection of what you said. If they don't receive what you have said graciously respond. Do not try to force your "word" on them. Don't say, "I will pray that God will show you I am right."

Do not give the interpretation of the word unless it is a message in tongues. Then the interpretation needs to be handled that same way as a word in English. Submit it.
If there is tension or division between you and the person please do not pray with them. Let another team member pray.

Don't pray from information that you may have heard from others or deduced yourself from watching the person..... This is very important. Gossip is not a good source for prayer concerns and even well meaning people can be wrong in their interpretation of the person's life. For example don't pray, God would you separate Jane from her immoral relationship with Tom.

When people are coming to the altar, as much as possible, let the people come to you rather than approaching them. If you feel however that someone has wrong affections towards you then as much as is possible avoid them.

TRUTH AND LEADERSHIP

HUMILITY IS THE WAY WE RECEIVE TRUTH:
Psalm 25:9 (KJS) The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way. 10 All the paths of the LORD [are] mercy and truth unto such as keep his covenant and his testimonies.


THE GROUND OF ALL TRUTH IS GOD'S WORD
John 17:17 (KJS) Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.


WE MUST BE WILLING TO HUMBLE OURSELVES TO RECOGNIZE TRUTH
II Timothy 3:16 (KJS) All scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: 17 That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.


JESUS IS THE WORD OF GOD
John 1:1 (KJS) In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.


JESUS IS THE TRUTH
John 14:6 (KJS) Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.


FOUR ASPECTS OF THE WORK OF GOD'S TRUTH IN OUR LIVES THAT REQUIRE HUMILITY:


1. DOCTRINE - The foundational teachings of truth. This shows us what we are to be like.
Hebrews 2:9 (KJS) But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels for the suffering of death, crowned with glory and honour; that he by the grace of God should taste death for every man. 10 For it became him, for whom [are] all things, and by whom [are] all things, in bringing many sons unto glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings.


2. REPROOF - This shows us where we fail to live up to the ideal. It is the mirror God holds up to us -
James 1:23 (KJS) For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: 24 For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. 25 But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth [therein], he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.


3. CORRECTION - This shows us how we can correct our failings
II Corinthians 3:18 (KJS) But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, [even] as by the Spirit of the Lord.


4. INSTRUCTION IN RIGHTEOUSNESS - this is the practice of the correction over and over again.
Hebrews 12:1 (KJS) Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of [our] faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.


THE WORD OF GOD DEALS WITH ALL OUR "BLIND SPOTS" BY TRUTH:
Psalm 19:7 (KJS) The law of the LORD [is] perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD [is] sure, making wise the simple. 8 The statutes of the LORD [are] right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the LORD [is] pure, enlightening the eyes. 9 The fear of the LORD [is] clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the LORD [are] true [and] righteous altogether. 10 More to be desired [are they] than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. 11 Moreover by them is thy servant warned: [and] in keeping of them [there is] great reward. 12 Who can understand [his] errors? cleanse thou me from secret [faults].


Psalm 51:6 (KJS) Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden [part] thou shalt make me to know wisdom.


WHEN A LEADER REJECTS TRUTH HE SET INTO MOTION THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF HIS OWN DEFEAT:
Proverbs 29:12 (KJS) If a ruler hearken to lies, all his servants [are] wicked.


THE DOCTRINE OF SUBMISSION HAS BEEN USED IN RELIGIOUS CIRCLES AS AN ESCAPE FOR THE LEADER FROM ACCOUNTABILITY OR AS A POINT OF PERSONAL DOMINION OVER OTHERS. ANY LEADER WHO WISHES TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN THEIR LEADERSHIP MUST BE WILLING TO BE CORRECTED:


THE DOCTRINE OF SUBMISSION IS FOR ORDER NOT FOR DOMINATION


THE LEADERS THAT REFUSED TO BE CORRECTED LOST THEIR LEADERSHIP


ELIJAH AND AHAB
I Kings 18:17 (KJS) And it came to pass, when Ahab saw Elijah, that Ahab said unto him, [Art] thou he that troubleth Israel? 18 And he answered, I have not troubled Israel; but thou, and thy father's house, in that ye have forsaken the commandments of the LORD, and thou hast followed Baalim.


NATHAN AND DAVID
II Samuel 12:7 (KJS) And Nathan said to David, Thou [art] the man. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul; 8 And I gave thee thy master's house, and thy master's wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if [that had been] too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things. 9 Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife [to be] thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon. 10 Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife. 11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give [them] unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 12 For thou didst [it] secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun. 13 And David said unto Nathan, I have sinned against the LORD. And Nathan said unto David, The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. 14 Howbeit, because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also [that is] born unto thee shall surely die.

ABRAM AND SARAI
I Peter 3:4 (KJS) But [let it be] the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, [even the ornament] of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.


Genesis 16:3 (KJS) And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. 4 And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. 5 And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong [be] upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee. 6 But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid [is] in thy hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.


THE RELATIONSHIP OF WISDOM TO MORAL FAILURE IN LEADERSHIP
Job 28:28 (KJS) And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that [is] wisdom; and to depart from evil [is] understanding.


The primary way that a proud man is taken out of leadership is through sexual infidelity.


Proverbs 22:14 (KJS) The mouth of strange women [is] a deep pit: he that is abhorred of the LORD shall fall therein.


The way to keep far from moral failure is to cry out and walk in wisdom.


Proverbs 2:1 (KJS) My son, if thou wilt receive my words, and hide my commandments with thee; 2 So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, [and] apply thine heart to understanding; 3 Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, [and] liftest up thy voice for understanding; 4 If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as [for] hid treasures; 5 Then shalt thou understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God. 6 For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth [cometh] knowledge and understanding. 7 He layeth up sound wisdom for the righteous: [he is] a buckler to them that walk uprightly. 8 He keepeth the paths of judgment, and preserveth the way of his saints. 9 Then shalt thou understand righteousness, and judgment, and equity; [yea], every good path. 10 When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul; 11 Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee: 12 To deliver thee from the way of the evil [man], from the man that speaketh froward things; 13 Who leave the paths of uprightness, to walk in the ways of darkness; 14 Who rejoice to do evil, [and] delight in the frowardness of the wicked; 15 Whose ways [are] crooked, and [they] froward in their paths: 16 To deliver thee from the strange woman, [even] from the stranger [which] flattereth with her words; 17 Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God. 18 For her house inclineth unto death, and her paths unto the dead. 19 None that go unto her return again, neither take they hold of the paths of life. 20 That thou mayest walk in the way of good [men], and keep the paths of the righteous. 21 For the upright shall dwell in the land, and the perfect shall remain in it. 22 But the wicked shall be cut off from the earth, and the transgressors shall be rooted out of it.


THE FIRST THING THAT WE PUT ON AS A CHRISTIAN TO PROTECT US FROM THE ENEMY IS TRUTH:
Ephesians 6:13 (KJS) Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, . . .


THE PRACTICAL APPLICATION OF THIS IS DESCRIBED IN SCRIPTURE AS WALKING IN THE LIGHT:
I John 1:5 (KJS) This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth: 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.


THE REJECTION OF THE LORD IN OUR LIVES COMES AS A RESULT OF NOT WALKING IN THE LIGHT:
John 3:16 (KJS) For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. 18 He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 19 And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20 For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 21 But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.


THE WORK OF CLEANSING FROM SIN IS GOD'S - THE WORK OF BRINGING OUR SINS TO THE LIGHT IS OURS. THE PRACTICAL APPLICATION OF THIS PRINCIPLE IS CONFESSION OF FAULTS (NOT JUST SINS).


Proverbs 28:13 (KJS) He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh [them] shall have mercy.


James 5:16 (KJS) Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.


ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL PROMISES CONCERNING SUCCESS IN LEADERSHIP WAS GIVEN TO JOSHUA:
Joshua 1:1 (KJS) Now after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD it came to pass, that the LORD spake unto Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' minister, saying, 2 Moses my servant is dead; now therefore arise, go over this Jordan, thou, and all this people, unto the land which I do give to them, [even] to the children of Israel. 3 Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Moses. 4 From the wilderness and this Lebanon even unto the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your coast. 5 There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, [so] I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. 6 Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give them. 7 Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it [to] the right hand or [to] the left, that thou mayest prosper whithersoever thou goest. 8 This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success. 9 Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God [is] with thee whithersoever thou goest.


THE WISE PRAYERS OF LEADERS:


MOSES
Exodus 33:13 (ASV) Now therefore, I pray thee, if I have found favor in thy sight, show me now thy ways, that I may know thee, to the end that I may find favor in thy sight: and consider that this nation is thy people.


SOLOMON
1 Kings 3:5 (KJS) In Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee. 6 And Solomon said, Thou hast shewed unto thy servant David my father great mercy, according as he walked before thee in truth, and in righteousness, and in uprightness of heart with thee; and thou hast kept for him this great kindness, that thou hast given him a son to sit on his throne, as [it is] this day. 7 And now, O LORD my God, thou hast made thy servant king instead of David my father: and I [am but] a little child: I know not [how] to go out or come in. 8 And thy servant [is] in the midst of thy people which thou hast chosen, a great people, that cannot be numbered nor counted for multitude. 9 Give therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people, that I may discern between good and bad: for who is able to judge this thy so great a people? 10 And the speech pleased the Lord, that Solomon had asked this thing. 11 And God said unto him, Because thou hast asked this thing, and hast not asked for thyself long life; neither hast asked riches for thyself, nor hast asked the life of thine enemies; but hast asked for thyself understanding to discern judgment; 12 Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee. 13 And I have also given thee that which thou hast not asked, both riches, and honour: so that there shall not be any among the kings like unto thee all thy days. 14 And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days.


WISDOM IS TRUTH REVEALED.
Deuteronomy 4:5 (KJS) Behold, I have taught you statutes and judgments, even as the LORD my God commanded me, that ye should do so in the land whither ye go to possess it. 6 Keep therefore and do [them]; for this [is] your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the nations, which shall hear all these statutes, and say, Surely this great nation [is] a wise and understanding people. 7 For what nation [is there so] great, who [hath] God [so] nigh unto them, as the LORD our God [is] in all [things that] we call upon him [for]?

THE FOUNDATION OF ALL WISDOM IS UNDERSTANDING THAT GOD ALONE IS ITS SOURCE:


Job 12:12 (KJS) With the ancient [is] wisdom; and in length of days understanding. 13 With him [is] wisdom and strength, he hath counsel and understanding.


Genesis 41:15 (KJS) And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, I have dreamed a dream, and [there is] none that can interpret it: and I have heard say of thee, [that] thou canst understand a dream to interpret it. 16 And Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, [It is] not in me: God shall give Pharaoh an answer of peace.


Daniel 2:26 (KJS) The king answered and said to Daniel, whose name [was] Belteshazzar, Art thou able to make known unto me the dream which I have seen, and the interpretation thereof? 27 Daniel answered in the presence of the king, and said, The secret which the king hath demanded cannot the wise [men], the astrologers, the magicians, the soothsayers, shew unto the king; 28 But there is a God in heaven that revealeth secrets, and maketh known to the king Nebuchadnezzar what shall be in the latter days. Thy dream, and the visions of thy head upon thy bed, are these;

True Friendship - Agape and Phileo

I am writing this to help many people I have seen entangled in a web of relationships that are destructive and yet feel they cannot act in a way that would set them free because they misunderstand the command of God to love others.

Let me say it in this way:

The Bible commands us to love everyone.

The Bible commands us to love only a few.

The Bible commands us to love only one.

These statements are all absolutely true. They seem to contradict each other for only one reason – English has only one word for the three words that are used in the Biblical commands.

The Bible commands us to Agape everyone.

The Bible commands us to Phileo only a few.

The Bible commands us to Eros only one.

The misunderstanding or misapplication of these three truths brings great destruction into lives of believers and unbelievers as well.

It is clear to most believers that we are to Eros only one. The Bible teaches that the design of God for males and female is a lifelong mutual commitment to sexual faithfulness to only the other. Not even God is to be pictured in erotic images of love. God created the sexual aspect of our being to have only one focus, one member of the opposite sex.

I once knew a young man who approached me one day and said, “The Bible says we should share everything with each other right?” I said, “Not sure what you are asking.” He said, “I was thinking that God wants us to love everyone and to share everything with each other and that you should share your wife with me.” I won’t share what the next things I said were but I can assure you that he was no longer a part of our lives after that moment.

While it is fairly easy for most believers to see the perversion that is involved in this kind of a use of the concept of loving everyone it amazes me that most cannot see the perversion in thinking because God says we should love (Agape) everyone we are to be “friends” (Phileo) with everyone.

Agape is a very specific kind of love. It is not Phileo. Agape describes an attitude of heart that moved God to send Jesus to die for all. Agape exists in the heart of God and those who are possessed of God. It is directed first towards God and then to others as God directs. Agape gives already understanding there is no relationship established. It gives without expectation of return. It gives for the sole reason that Agape has been given to the one now giving it. It describes the heart of God.

Phileo (friendship) is not a description of what is in God or a person’s heart. It is the description of a relationship. Agape is not a relationship. Having or giving Agape does not create a relationship though a true Phileo relationship requires Agape. Phileo requires Agape be in two hearts not just one. This is the critical issue. This is why relating to someone as a philotos (a friend) when they are not, leaves us open to the same kind of problem that comes when a person gives himself or herself sexually unexclusively.

We are to never give ourselves to more than one person unless they intend share the same lifelong commitment of marriage. They must also have all the attributes the Bible commands them to have – a member of the opposite sex, not a near relative, a believer, sharing the same understanding of the covenant of faithfulness, committed to the other with the same commitment….

In the same way we are to never give our lives to another in phileo unless they are committed to the same relationship with us. They also have to have the Biblically mandated attributes of a philotos (a friend). This is because biblical friendship, like marriage, is a covenant relationship.

Covenant relationships are misunderstood as well. The emphasis that has been placed on God’s supremacy has given the impression that a covenant is one sided. Again God’s love made a covenant relationship with Him possible. In the same way as there is no one sided Phileo, there is no covenant relationship that is one sided. In fact the whole concept of salvation is about coming into covenant with God. Unless we are in a covenant relationship with Him we are not saved. Many people believe that salvation is a substance… a thing. They see it as something tangible that they are given that is apart from the one who gives it. Like a cashier’s check. You get salvation and when you get to the gates of heaven you present it to St. Peter and he lets you in. It is interesting that Jesus’ name means salvation. He is salvation. Not something separate from him. Not a quantity of something that he gives. Not a pass to heaven he endorses with his blood. He is salvation. Only as we are in covenant relationship with him do we have salvation.

1 John 2:2 (Today's New International Version)

He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

He died for the whole world but the whole world is not saved. Why not? Some hold a theology of election that says he actually only died for “some.” In the more extreme versions of this theology it is held that he in fact purposes to not save many and will send them to hell for no other reason than his desire. This does not fit the biblical picture:

2 Peter 3:9 (New American Standard Bible)

The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.

1 Timothy 2:4

who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.   

The Bible is clear why though Jesus’ death has died to pay the penalty for sin not everyone is saved. It is in a very simple word – reconciliation.

Romans 5:10

For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

2 Corinthians 5:18

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:

2 Corinthians 5:20

We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God.

This last passage points to the ultimate truth of why some are saved and others are not even though God wants all to be saved and made a way for all to be saved. Not all will be reconciled to God.

Forgiveness describes what happens in the heart of a person when they choose to let go of the wrong another has done to them. But the tragic truth that so many fail to understand is that forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is absolutely necessary for reconciliation to occur. It is the invitation to reconciliation. But it is not reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one. Reconciliation takes two. All the forgiveness of eternity cannot make a person be reconciled to another. God’s forgiveness does not reconcile any one to himself without their desire to be reconciled to Him. Like Agape and Phileo, forgiveness describes the condition of a heart, reconciliation describes a relationship.

There is no salvation without reconciliation. And there is no reconciliation that is one sided.

I have counseled so many who are caught in abusive relationships that have their foundations in a perversion of the gospel. They believe that their love, forgiveness and commitment to another person will change them.

The opposite of that understanding leads them to bondage. They believe if the person does not change it is because they are somehow lacking love, forgiveness and commitment. They see they are continually giving to this person in a deeply self-sacrificing way but question their very hearts and believe they must give more and more to eventually win this person from their selfishness. As they do so they person becomes more and more selfish and narcissistic until they become emotionally abusive and eventually may even physically abuse them.

But God says the problem is not the giver’s love but the lack of response to that love from the other. The one giving has made the terrible mistake of thinking Agape means Phileo. They think forgiveness is not complete until reconciliation occurs. And unlike God they do not require the other to return covenant love before they love with covenant love.

A sane person would never go out on the street, take the first person they met and commit their whole life to him or her.

We rightly expect to see a mutual love committed to and demonstrated to us before we give our hand in the covenant of marriage. Every marital relationship must be based on God’s foundation of Agape but that does not make it appropriate for marriage. Something else must be in the relationship for it to be an appropriate relationship for marriage. It must be a mutual covenant of Phileo (friendship) in both partners hearts and it must be a lifelong covenant commitment of mutually faithful eros between Biblically appropriate members of the opposite sex.

In this same way relationships of friendship are to be a mutually committed relationship of agape.

We are not to be friends with people who have no commitment of friendship to us.

When we come to understand that the person we are in a relationship with we think is Phileo (friendship) does not have that same commitment we are to return to an agape relationship with them.

An Agape relationship is one sided. It has no expectation of return for its gifts. It has a hope of Phileo but does not require Phileo to be given. It never gives what is appropriate to Phileo to anyone who is not in a Phileo relationship.

In a practical understanding of this we are not to give ourselves to those who we have no mutual relationship with beyond that which God prompts us to lead them to be reconciled to Jesus. If we choose to give more we are violating Phileo and the suffering that comes will be destructive and not the good work God desires.

Phileo requires trust. If we go out on the street and choose to give our pay to a stranger asking him to deposit it in the bank down the street we would rightly be blamed for the loss of our money. Crying to God about it and blaming Him would not do any good. Yet so many give the treasures of their lives to others with less discrimination. They don’t understand that they are violating biblical principles in doing so because they have misunderstood the message of love.

I can agape (love) the stranger on the street and yet not trust him to give him my pay.

I can even give my pay to him if I understand my giving to be for the sake of the gospel and will be a completely unmerited gift. When he takes it and does with it whatever he does I will not have put myself into spiritual jeopardy because I will have given an offering to God alone trusting Him for whatever He wants to do.

What I can’t do is give him the pay and really expect him to take it to the bank. If he is honest he will tell me it is wrong for me to ask him to do so. He will tell me it is my responsibility to take it. If he is dishonest he will gladly take it and laugh all the way home that he met the most naive person in the world.

Now go one step further in this. Think about taking your employer’s daily cash deposit that he has given you to take to the bank. Imagine giving his money to the stranger. Would your employer ever agree with you doing so with what is his? When we give our lives to people God does not want us to give them to we are doing exactly that. Many of the parables of Jesus point to this very issue.

We belong to God. Our resources belong to God. Our hearts belong to God. When we give ourselves to others we are doing more than giving our pay. We are giving one of God’s most precious treasures. We need to understand this so that we treat what belongs to Him with the valuation He places on us and the care that he wants us to have for ourselves.

This last statement points to one reason beyond Biblical misinterpretation we may give ourselves away wrongly to others - why we can hand strangers God’s most precious possessions without a thought. We don’t value God’s life in us. Some may think I said a lack of self worth. If understood from a biblical point of view that is true. The only problem with using self-worth language is the Bible uses the word self in a very precise way. It says the self without God is the core problem with sin. The self in Biblical words is that which is set against God. It is talking about the narcissistic selfish part of us. It is our self centredness and selfishness the Bible says must be crucified with Christ. It is the part of us that wants to be God - demands to be God. It screams at any encroachment of its autonomy. It wants its own way and nothing else. It cares nothing for others or God. It is the part of all of us that believes the universe was created only for us. It also believes it, l;ike God is all powerful and needs neither God nor other people.

Our “self” wants nothing to do with God since the first act God does to bring us to salvation is to show us how totally helpless we are without Him. (that we need a savior) The second act is to show us how incapable of good we are without Him. (all have sinned and come short of the glory of God). The third act is call us to renounce our pride, turn from our sins and turn back to Him (repentance). And the fourth act is to call us to be reconciled into a lifelong commitment of Phileo with Him.

In this last act God places His own life in us by the Holy Spirit. We are no longer an autonomous “self”. We are bought with a price. We are now inhabited by God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The new “self” now takes its proper place of humility. We are new creations.

It is God’s life that we now honor in ourselves. Saying that we have self-love may not be the correct way to say it. A better picture is that we have love for God who indwells us and love for the new creation He has created us to be by His indwelling us. It involves loving ourselves but only as the self has its proper place in humility in a reconciled relationship with the indwelling life of God. Self respect is closer to the definition of a healthy understanding of how our actions towards others need to be understood in light of the preciousness we hold inside.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellency of the glory may be of God and not of us.

2 Corinthians 4:7

If we have the understanding that God intends our friendships to be committed relationships with only a few people who are equally committed to us. When we understand this we have a foundation for building relationships of freedom.

So we return to the understanding that the first mark of a Phileo relationship is trust. If you cannot trust someone you are not to be in a relationship that demands trust. You cannot be friends with someone you cannot trust. You cannot be a friend if you are not trustworthy.

Trust is absolutely required for friendship to exist.

I once asked God about the “submission” scriptures in the Bible. I wondered why they were so very strong with regard to wives submitting to their husbands. One day as I was pondering the terrible marriage relationship I saw destroying a dear friend I heard her say that she knew before she married him that he was like this but she thought she could change him if she loved him with God’s love. I suddenly saw the “submission” scriptures in a totally different light. I saw them as being a warning.

In fact the division of the Bible verses is the most important reason for a misunderstanding of the submission scriptures. The one who divided our Bible into chapters and verses ended the chapter with “Submit yourselves to one another.” The next chapter begins with, “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord.” If the proper alignment of the topic of submission had been followed the Bible would have told the couple to submit themselves to each other and then would have given specific aspects of their mutual submission to each other.

But the point cannot be missed. The Bible teaches total submission of the marriage partners to each other. In the book of Corinthians the partner’s bodies are to belong completely to the other. Another part says that not even their prayers will find a place in God’s heart if they are not caring fully for each other. The last verses of the Old Testament demand it. The last book of the New Testament describes the fulfillment of the image of marriage in Jesus receiving his bride who lays down her life for him as he laid down his life for her. There is no escaping the requirement of mutual submission.

Another false aspect of the concept of submission is thinking it only means being under spousal authority. This is partially correct. Submit literally means sub – under, mit – hand “under the hand.” Submission is to place oneself under the hand of another.

Most people enter into covenant relationships not fully trusting the other person. This is the warning of the submission scriptures. Before a person marries he or she needs to be confronted with the reality that they will be putting themselves fully “under the hand” of their chosen spouse. If they think that they retain their autonomy they are wrong. Entering a covenant relationship of marriage places a person in the most vulnerable relationship in the whole world except being a child of a parent. The person we marry has the power to harm or bless us more than anyone else in the world. If my friend had taken this seriously before she married the man that was now destroying her and her children’s life she would have never married him. She would have known that she should never marry someone she already knew she could not trust to be faithful. In her lack of value for God’s life in her she defiled her life by entering a one sided relationship. She thought she could love him out of his unfaithfulness but she could not – no one but Jesus ever can.

After I saw this I tell every couple considering marriage to never consider it unless they can with wholehearted abandon say that they can put their whole lives “under the hand” of their chosen love without a single fear that they would do wrong to them. The truth is that even if you don’t think you will have to do this you will. And this is also true of every eros relationship even outside of marriage. Though you may think there is no commitment, the very act of sexual intimacy creates a bond of dependency that deeply wounds when it is violated.

In this very same way when we build friendships a primary characteristic of making a choice of a good friend is they can be trusted.

Part of the reason many feel that I am odd in my teaching on friendship is that most people call acquaintance friendship. We say we are friends with almost everyone. At work, at church, in our hobbies, sports teams and so on. Biblical friendship is not acquaintance. It is a deeply committed nonsexual relationship of mutual caring.

 

A Study of the Bible's Teaching on Friendship

QUALITIES OF A GOOD FRIEND
 THEY FEAR GOD:

Psalm 119:63 I am a friend to all who fear you, to all who follow your precepts.


THEY ARE GOD'S FRIEND:


John 15:14 You are my friends if you do what I command.


James 2:23 And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness," and he was called God's friend.


THEY ARE PROPERLY RELATED TO THE WORLD:


James 4:4 You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.


2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people." 17 "Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you." 18 "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."


THEY LOVE GOD'S PEOPLE AND MINSTER TO THEM UNSELFISHLY:


3 John 1:5 Dear friend, you are faithful in what you are doing for the brothers, even though they are strangers to you.


THEY LAY DOWN THEIR LIVES FOR THEIR FRIENDS:


John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.


THEY LOVE TO SHARE ABOUT THE THINGS OF GOD WITH THEIR FRIENDS:


Jude 1:3 Dear friends, although I was very eager to write to you about the salvation we share, I felt I had to write and urge you to contend for the faith that was once for all entrusted to the saints.


THE BEST FRIENDS ARE PURE-HEARTED AND GRACIOUS IN SPEECH:


Proverbs 22:11 He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.

THEY ARE CAREFUL IN THEIR CHOICE OF FRIENDS:


Proverbs 12:26 A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

THEY ARE NOT HOT TEMPERED:


Proverbs 22:24 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered,


THEY ARE CONSISTENT IN THEIR LOVE OF THEIR FRIENDS:


Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

THEY DESIRE TO HAVE FELLOWSHIP WITH THEIR FRIENDS:


3 John 1:14 I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face. Peace to you. The friends here send their greetings. Greet the friends there by name.

Psalms 55:13 But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, 14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

THEY MAKE COMMITMENTS THEY WILL KEEP WITH THEIR FRIENDS:

1 Samuel 20:42 Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD...


THEY SHARE THEIR LIVES IN AN INTIMATE WAY WITH THEIR FRIENDS:


Exodus 33:11 The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend. Then Moses would return to the camp, but his young aide Joshua son of Nun did not leave the tent.


John 15:15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.


THEY GIVE WISE COUNSEL TO THEIR FRIENDS:


Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.


THEY WILL WOUND THEIR FRIENDS FOR LOVE'S (PHILEO) SAKE:


Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.


THEY WARN THEIR FRIENDS TO FLEE FROM SIN:


1 Corinthians 10:14 Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry.

THEY ENCOURAGE THEIR FRIENDS TO LIVE IN HOLINESS:


2 Corinthians 7:1 Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.


THEY REJOICE WITH THEIR FRIENDS IN YOUR REJOICING:

Luke 15:4 "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, `Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' ...8 "Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? 9 And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, `Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.'


THEY STAND WITH THEIR FRIENDS IN TIMES OF ADVERSITY:


Proverbs 27:10 Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother's house when disaster strikes you-- better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.


Job 6:14 "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends....


THEY HAVE PITY ON THEIR FRIENDS:


Job 19:21 "Have pity on me, my friends, have pity, for the hand of God has struck me.


THEY WILL WEEP WITH THEIR FRIENDS:


Judges 11:37 But grant me this one request," she said. "Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry."


THEY KEEP SECRETS ABOUT THEIR FRIENDS REVEALED CHARACTER FLAWS:

Proverbs 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.


THEY INTERCEED FOR THEIR FRIEND


Job 16:20 My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; 21 on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.


Job 42:10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.


3 John 1:2 Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.


THEY DO NOT RESPOND TO THE GOOD THEIR FRIENDS SHARE WITH EVIL:


Psalms 109:5 They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship. (negative example)

THEY DO NOT RECEIVE OR SPEAK EVIL GOSSIP CONCERNING THEIR FRIEND:


Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

THEY DO NOT MAKE FALSE ACCUSATIONS ABOUT THEIR FRIENDS:


2 Samuel 3:8 Abner was very angry because of what Ish-Bosheth said and he answered, "Am I a dog's head--on Judah's side? This very day I am loyal to the house of your father Saul and to his family and friends. I haven't handed you over to David. Yet now you accuse me of an offense involving this woman!


THEY RESPOND IN LOVE (AGAPE) TO THOSE WHO FAIL THEM IN FRIENDSHIP:


Psalms 109:4 In return for my friendship they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer. (negative example)


THEY RESPOND TO NEEDS OF THOSE BEYOND THEIR CIRCLE OF FRIENDSHIP WITHOUT THOUGHT OF PERSONAL GAIN:


Luke 14:12 Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. 13 But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, 14 and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous." 15 When one of those at the table with him heard this, he said to Jesus, "Blessed is the man who will eat at the feast in the kingdom of God."


THEY DO NOT MAKE FRIENDS FOR THE SAKE OF MONEY OR WHAT THEY MAY RECIEVE IN THE FRIENDSHIP MATERIALLY:


Proverbs 19:4 Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man's friend deserts him... 6 Many curry favor with a ruler, and everyone is the friend of a man who gives gifts. 7 A poor man is shunned by all his relatives-- how much more do his friends avoid him! Though he pursues them with pleading, they are nowhere to be found.


THEY TAKE CARE OF THEIR FRIEND'S NEEDS:


Acts 24:23 He ordered the centurion to keep Paul under guard but to give him some freedom and permit his friends to take care of his needs.


Acts 27:3 The next day we landed at Sidon; and Julius, in kindness to Paul, allowed him to go to his friends so they might provide for his needs.


THEY SEEK TO EXTEND THEIR FRIENDSHIP TO THEIR FRIEND'S CHILDREN:


1 Kings 5:1 When Hiram king of Tyre heard that Solomon had been anointed king to succeed his father David, he sent his envoys to Solomon, because he had always been on friendly terms with David.

THEY SEEK THEIR FRIEND'S ADVANCEMENT AS WELL AS THEIR OWN:


Daniel 2:49 Moreover, at Daniel's request the king appointed Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego administrators over the province of Babylon, while Daniel himself remained at the royal court.


THEY SEEK THEIR FRIEND'S HELP:


- IN WEAKNESS:


Ecclesiastes 4:10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!


- IN NEED

Ecclesiastes 4:11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?


- IN DEFENCE


Ecclesiastes 4:12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.


- IN SPIRITUAL REVELATION


Daniel 2:14 When Arioch, the commander of the king's guard, had gone out to put to death the wise men of Babylon, Daniel spoke to him with wisdom and tact. 15 He asked the king's officer, "Why did the king issue such a harsh decree?" Arioch then explained the matter to Daniel. 16 At this, Daniel went in to the king and asked for time, so that he might interpret the dream for him. 17 Then Daniel returned to his house and explained the matter to his friends Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah. 18 He urged them to plead for mercy from the God of heaven concerning this mystery, so that he and his friends might not be executed with the rest of the wise men of Babylon.


THEY DO NOT FEAR WHAT OTHERS THINK IF THEY ARE FRIENDS WITH YOU:


Luke 7:34 The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, `Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and "sinners." ' 35 But wisdom is proved right by all her children." 36 Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37 When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, 38 and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. 39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is--that she is a sinner."